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Joke of the Day

"[assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then"

"What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament? Let's hang."

"I pulled a girl in a nightclub last night. She said ""What the fuck are you doing"" and walked back out."

"HER: do u have a condom ME: u bet [whistles] [an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat] H: holy shit M: ya sometimes he brings cats"

"Do you remember those old romantic movies where the guy would lay his coat down in a puddle for the woman? WALK AROUND THE FUCKING PUDDLE."

"Girls are like an internet virus... ...they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile..."

"What does a news anchor say during sex? this just in"

"One of the worst things you can possibly do to someone is return their text with a call."

"""These diet pills better work,"" I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake."

"Why don't you want to eat pussy in the morning? Have you ever tried to spread a grilled cheese?"