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Joke of the Day

"take me down to the paraphrase city where it's nice"

"How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won't find them officer. Stop looking"

"DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys"

"Fun Fact: The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER."

"Named my iPhone ""Dat Ass""... So now iTunes tells me it's backing ""Dat Ass"" up"

"Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed? His wife didn't know any decent crackers."

"One ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another to speed up. ""But why do we have to hurry?"" said one. ""Can you read you nut! It says Tear along the dotted line'""."

"the 80 year old lady paying w/ exact change and coupons behind me in line is pissed bc the credit card chip reader is taking too long"

"what did the captain say when the navigator complained they were off course? don't give me that latitude"