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Joke of the Day

"Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the Chocolate Factory His girlfriend had been so against it for years"

"[nearing end of first date] Me: I'll give you a call later, OK? Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone."

"Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb shit."

"The doctor said I have only a month to live so I shot him. the judge gave me 50 years"

"Watson walks into room and sees Sherlock having sex. He inquires is she in high school. Sherlock replies.. Elementary! My dear Watson"

"Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars."

"DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life."

"How many perverts does it take to change a lightbulb? 69"

"A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals. Nobody likes dictators"

"I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn't bring me one."