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Joke of the Day

"Lost my Droid for an hour. The day I lost my daughter at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life."

"My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call."

"You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself That's your parents job."

"My son walks in on me masturbating. He asks me what am i doing. I say, don't worry son you will be doing it soon. Why dad? he asks. Because my arm is getting tired"

"Doctor: ""Hey, how are you?"" Patient: ""I am good"" Doctor: ""Ok. Next."""

"Oh cool this dress has pockets to keep my snacks in"

"What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh."

"How do you fix a monkey? With a Monkey Wrench!"

"How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend? He sent out a message in remorse code."

"My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore."