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Joke of the Day
"I'd like to dedicate this award to gravity. You've always kept me down to earth."
Next Joke
"How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard"
"It's especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car."
"Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color."
"Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*"
"my mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 911 ... I think -Anthony Jeselnik"
"I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane."
"It's almost as if they don't know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer."
"What's long, hard, and has cum in it? Cucumber you nasty bastard"
"Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk."