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Joke of the Day

"Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix."

"Did you know Hilary Clinton is an excellent musician? She plays the lyre really well."

"Why did semen cross the road? Put on the wrong sock....."

"""I never spit on the ground"" ""because it's the only one that always supports me"" ""wow, that's a deep thought"" *""ptoo""* ""AAH! MY EYE!"""

"What is a dog's favorite thing about living in a house? Roofs."

"If we were on a sinking ship and there was.. Only one life vest... I would miss you so much."

"Her: I have a marathon coming. Me: Ooh, which show?"

"Whats easier than stealing candy from a baby? ... Stealing candy from a dead baby."

"look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat"

"Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that ""Intervention-y"" feeling at first."