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Joke of the Day

"If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone"

"How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant? Only one cannoli."

"I explained to my kids that babies come out the bum because I couldn't draw a very good vagina using crayons and construction paper."

"You can accurately measure a person's intelligence level by giving them a simple prostate exam. If they let you, they're an idiot."

"A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say ""bye"" 300 times."

"It's a do or dive for Robben as Netherlands play Argentina in the semifinals."

"I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? [Jimmy Carr Jokes](http://thatswhatwedo.iobad.com/post/859629085/jimmy-carr-jokes)"

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and the newspaper? Lindsay Lohan never reads the newspaper in jail, but the newspaper always reads ""Lindsay Lohan in jail"""

"Someone said to me today that my clothes are gay. I said yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

"[faulty megaphone] LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE'S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO. [bangs megaphone on hand] JUST {dont} KILL THEM"