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Joke of the Day

"Kids, eat your vegetables. *reluctantly, they eat* [2 hrs later] *I eavesdrop on their convo* Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain."

"What has wings a long tail and wears a bow? A birthday pheasant!"

"What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly a dick in your mouth."

"everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive"

"me: [first gang practice] is snack time before or after the murders"

"Why do pornstars enjoy working as waitresses? Because they always get the tip"

"*knocks on woman's washroom* Hello anyone in here? *no one answers* *runs in & lifts up every toilet seat* HAHAHA *runs away giggling*"

"Why do rapists make such great salesmen? They don't take no for an answer."

"the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO"

"My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours."