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Joke of the Day

"""Update Adobe or we'll kill you""-flash mob"

"The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth."

"It's one of those days where you'll be lucky not to see me on the news."

"My father used to put snowballs in the blender and make great slushies Snowballs was a great cat"

"You couldn't even imagine how good I am at taking a fake phone call to get out of a boring conversation. It's Oscar worthy."

"I'm a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I'm fat."

"so, apparently trump is living in trump tower and not the white house one more reason why i want to blow up the tower"

"People ask me to do things months in advance and I'm like, WOW, how does it feel not to expect you might die by freak accident at any time?"

"Given the choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, I would prefer Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it."

"What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter a dick up your arse."