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Joke of the Day

"How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree? Wave at him"

"Did you hear about the man that slept on corduroy pillow? No? I'm surprised, it made headlines!"

"How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis... LADDER! I said ladder!"

"What's the difference between a priest and a zit A zit waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face"

"Robots If robots were somehow about to sexually reproduce, they wouldn't have to change much. I mean they already have a binary system."

"""Sir your resume says you can read minds."" ""Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a resume?'"" ""Oh. My. God. You're hired."""

"If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers ...she'd have to give up the poon."

"Every Canadian child goes to sleep with a plush toy of the current Prime Minister to keep them safe. Justin Trudeau was elected because Stephen Harper was scaring the children."

"You know those old movies with Jackie Chan where he is reluctant to fight in the beginning, but then he warms up starts swinging like there is no tomorrow?! ... I'm the same way with drinking."

"[interview] BOSS: Any special skills? ME: Skills? BOSS: Like strengths ME: Oh right. I'd say my vocabulary BOSS: Hm... ME: That means words"