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Joke of the Day

"Scissors Commercial: *Montage of people karate chopping paper in half* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better... Nevermind that was rad"

"*Me & dog* *duel for the last piece of chicken* *tosses a stick to distract* *fetches the stick* *chicken is gone* Well played Peanut...!!"

"I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics. ... ... But graphing is where I draw the line!"

"wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?"

"Just go ahead and put ""She always had to pee"" on my tombstone, because that's how everyone's going to remember me."

"Welcome to drugs club, Todd. I can't believe someone actually answered the ad. You're under arrest."

"My number one rule to live by is: Don't die."

"Sometimes when I cum, I scream really loudly because people should knock before opening a bathroom stall."

"Clearly, who ever said ""more than a hand full is a waste"" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full."

"How do clams communicate? A shell phone!"