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Joke of the Day

"Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I'll be murdered"

Next Joke
 
"What's Bill Cosby's favourite dessert? Puddin. Puddin his dick inside her"
"I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
"I asked my teacher what I had to do to pass the course. He said to get 50% on the exam and give him a blowjob But I don't think I got 50% on the exam"
"Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor."
"Circle? Donut! Triangle? Pizza! Cylinder? Tater tot! - me teaching our 2yr old shapes"
"What do you call Batman skipping out on church? Christian Bail"
"How do you torture Hellen Keller? Give her a basketball and tell her to read it."
"Cute guy: Is this seat taken? Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles* Him: *takes chair away*"
"Believe everything your tv tells you (sponges can talk, turtles eat pizza, love is real)"