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Joke of the Day
"Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word? Me: Velocity. Co-Worker: ..."
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"[Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?"
"Why do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls. [-Jimmy Carr](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpxmKKtbw7w)"
"Good girls are bad girls that never get caught."
"Wizards of the Coast: Wizards of the Coast, and this is where the magic happens."
"If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11."
"Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!"
"Just saw a friend I haven't seen in 5 years ...he says: ""I still use your Netflix password!"""
"""Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge ... and green!"" [the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner's parents faced]"
"Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd just sit a blow bubbles all afternoon? Well, Bubbles is back in town and wondering how you're doing these days..."