133995

Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about that guy who had the entire left half of his body chopped off? He's dead now."

"I used to think I was schizophrenic. But then the voices in my head said I was fine."

"[roommate watching me get ready] dont take that with you ""why not"" why would you ""it'll be fine"" [hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]"

"Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here."

"What do you call a chicken you own? A personal fowl"

"So I was at my local dyslexia meeting... And my friend turned to me and said, ""can you smell gas?"" I replied, ""are you kidding? I can't even smell my own name."""

"Why did the brake pedal see a therapist? Because it was depressed."

"Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet."

"Dance like the picture's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Tweet like no one's following."

"A jew girl's doctor tricked her into having sex with him. Hesadic was good for her."