133919

Joke of the Day

"It turns out ""Flasher"" wasn't one of the reindeer and I'm being asked to leave this holiday party."

"What a beautiful day! The sun's shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor's dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn..."

"**SEX.** SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. Now that you have my attention, go do the dishes for me."

"*runs my fingers thru your hair* *tightens grip* *pulls your head back* *looks you in the eye* Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?"

"What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One's against the law and the other is a sick bird."

"Two pretzels.. Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was ""assaulted"""

"Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle."

"My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine."

"I never knew the word ""mom"" could even have 7 syllables until I had kids."

"I don't do Botox anymore cause when I can't make my angry face, people just assume it's ok to talk to me."