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Joke of the Day

"I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one.. There all like awww shit, who's it gonna be this time"

"How many 'sah dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit."

"Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven? A bannister always pays his deafs."

"Next time I cut out eyes in a painting to watch people from behind the wall, I'll use a portrait instead of a landscape."

"Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions."

"WHAT DO WE WANT!? CLEARED TIMES ON OUR MICROWAVES! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? 0:00!"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bea ! Bea who ? Beacause I'm worth it !"

"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the gym manager when he was joining a new gym? I'll re-rack."

"911: What's your emergency? THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE 911: Barista? IT'S A GUY. BARISTO 911: No, it's still- Nm he's dead now"

"U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners."