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Joke of the Day

"""Release the Kraken!"" ... ""Well?"" ""We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything."" ... ""Release the tuna!"""

"Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said ""Take on an empty stomach"" so, not yet."

"Even Al Qaeda is like ""These ISIS guys are a bit much no?"""

"I'm just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner"

"At the liquor store: ""Hey, do you need help?"" ""Yes, but I come here instead"""

"How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake"

"Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth."

"Whenever I have doubts as to my race, I just scrunch up a piece of paper & shoot at a waste basket... Anyway, today! I am definitely white."

"Say what you want about the Make-a-Wish foundation At least they can work to a deadline"

"What's the best part about fucking twentythree year olds? There's twenty of them."