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Joke of the Day

"Thanks a lot, gourmet cupcake shops. You've taken a perfectly good treat and turned it into an asshole."

"I don't know why there's such a stigma on masturbation. I find that it really comes in handy."

"What do you call hiding in a Michael Bay movie? Kabamouflage"

"Figurative digits When is a 2 literally a 6? When it has metaphor."

"So this guy steps into the house with a hand full of shit and says to his wife ""look what I almost stepped in!"""

"When a track star gets best time in a race they ""Break a record"" but when I do it I've ""Falsely entered a Special Olympics event""."

"Packing to move is the probably the worst game of Tetris I've ever played."

"Corduroy pillows.... Corduroy pillows are making headlines!"

"""What? Huh? Talk louder. Nope, still nothing."" -5 minutes after receiving the deaf penalty"

"Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows"