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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the one about the Rabbi who performed circumcisions? He never charged for his services, but he always kept the tips."

"FRIEND: Do you want to go [i don't hear the rest because i'm already sighing too loudly]"

"anyone who puts that dumb ass Gotye song on when im with them instantly becomes somebody that i used to know."

"A friend told me that I don't understand irony... ... which is ironic, because I was was waiting for a bus at the time. -- Alanis Morissette (not really)"

"Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships? Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either."

"KIDNAPPER: Get in the van ME: Oh no thanks I'm vegetarian KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away* {15min later} KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf"

"I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan."

"*snail Olympics* How does it feel? ""Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon"" And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow? ""What"""

"My girlfriend said I was too controlling ... and it wasn't her turn to speak."

"Britain is like a man on a toilet... It just wanted to get rid of that shit and leave."