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Joke of the Day

"Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends."

"Learning-disabled lions are called leotards, right? Anyway, when dancers ask you to drop off old ones for needy kids, DON'T! So much blood."

"According to my current parking spot I'm a physician"

"It was so hot when we went on holiday last year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow."

"(Writing in food journal) me: for lunch I had sa......... trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome. me: sake."

"Wife texts husband 'Windows frozen', husband texts wife 'try bucket of warm water', wife texts husband 'computer not working at all now'"

"I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment."

"What did the snake priest say to the snake groom after the marriage? You may now ""hiss"" the bride."

"What did the devil get arrested for? Possession!"

"The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks."