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Joke of the Day

"Learning-disabled lions are called leotards, right? Anyway, when dancers ask you to drop off old ones for needy kids, DON'T! So much blood."

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"""It's cold!"", ""Happy birthday!"", ""I'm so blessed"", ""Political rant!""... There, now you don't have to go to Facebook today. You're welcome."
"My wife was struggling to open the freezer In the end she gave up, and froze to death."
"I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.... I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.It's fucking awful, every now and then it falls apart."
"Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!"
"So I asked my dad... So I asked my dad during Christmas dinner if anything were home made? He replied ""definitely not you."""
"Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car? [presses key button] [tiny orange light flashes on the moon] god dammit"
"Black Widow movie slated for this fall A documentary on the aftermath of Baltimore"
"[looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool] ""Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."""
"I finally made something of myself It's a wad of hair and ear wax and snot sitting in the garbage can."