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Joke of the Day

"1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening."

"Don't you hate those people who are obsessed with tracking their steps? Fucking pedophiles."

"What's the difference between Luke Skywalker and a black man? Luke Skywalker eventually finds out who his father is."

"[at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan"

"What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede ? A great walkie-talkie !"

"Why do woman vacuum? So they can practice there sucking."

"""Knock knock"" ""Who's there?"" ""Syd"" ""Syd who?"" ""Dys Leiax"""

"""I've got chills. They're multiplying."" ""Sir, you're going into shock. Please stop narrating--"" ""And I'm losing control."" ""Sir!"""

"Reddit I'm in a bit of a pickle.. and it taste great"

"Where is the gangster egg from? The Upper Sunny-Side"