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Joke of the Day

"Don't you hate those people who are obsessed with tracking their steps? Fucking pedophiles."

"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."

"Just remember ...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."

"What do you call an ant who likes to be alone ? An independant !"

"""Thats a killer dirt bike you've got, man!"" *dirt bike holds a knife to your throat* Believe me...I know."

"I'm excited to announce that I've officially stopped using drugs for fun and solely use them to deal with the unrelenting pain of existence!"

"What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo on my face."

"I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around."

"Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom"

"How do you piss off a female archeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from."