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Joke of the Day

"Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms..."

"I stayed up all night... Trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia"

"What kind of bees make milk? Boobies !!! I'm sorry, I'll let myself out."

"APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane"

"The guy who proofread Hitler's speaches was literally a grammar Nazi."

"What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend? Booze (Kill me now)"

"My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now."

"What do toy trains and boobs have in common? They were both designed for the kids but it's the dad that ends up playing with them."

"I like my children how I like my essays. Unplanned and poorly executed"

"You're supposed to exercise so that you can live longer but if you have to exercise all the time do you really want to live longer?"