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Joke of the Day

"What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much? Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect"

"A natural log with her own show ln(DeGeneres)"

"At the #Adele concert, saw a girl on the corner of the stage repeatedly punching herself in the face. Realized she was the deaf interpreter."

"what did the boy with no arms get for Christmas? I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet"

"Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am."

"I just got my roof painted. The painters worked all day long, when I asked them how much I had to pay, they just replied, ""Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house. """

"If at first you don't succeed tell yourself a litany of excuses then numb yourself with Oreo blizzards."

"If you post a selfie that says ""because some of you asked for a new one"" I want to see screenshots of where they said that."

"When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go"

"what do you call a dinosaur with a big mouth, big ass and tiny hands? T-Rump"