130622

Joke of the Day

"Are you in the comments? 'cause the real joke is always in the comments."

"[at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan"

"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't. That's it. That's the joke."

"I was just at the beach and heard someone yell ""Help! Shark!"" I am pretty sure that shark wasn't going to help him..."

"COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus? ME: No COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier ME: Thanks COP: Why is it wet? ME: Um COP: And holding 8 guns?"

"Traffic stop A cop stops a car and asks the man inside, ""Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking?"" The guy replies, ""Why? Is there an ugly chick next to me?"""

"Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer... Too bad he has never cried."

"have u ever tried to break a crush by looking at their Facebook like PLEASE post abt Mumford & sons or smth so I can be free from this curse"

"If someone calls me ""boo"" I automatically assume they're trying to scare me."

"It's not called ""Laura the Explorer"" because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI."