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Joke of the Day

"My life is a constant struggle between wanting people to text me and never wanting to reply to texts."

"[parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?"

"I need a new gimmick. What if I'm always just inexplicably shuffling a deck of cards? Would you buy that? Like ""whoa, who's that drifter?!"""

"The other day I was laying down a carpet... ...and my friend Speedy Gonzales was helping me. At one point I said, ""Have I missed anything, Speedy?"" And Speedy says, ""Underlay, underlay!"""

"White lies Don't matter. But black lies matter."

"Has anyone said, ""Julia Roberts makes me feel like I don't have enough teeth,"" because I'd like to say that."

"I bought shoes from a second hand shop. They must've belonged to a junkie though because I've been tripping all day."

"People always complain that I'm ""out there."" [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]"

"What is brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"

"...and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for ""I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don't You Care That I'm Dying"""