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Joke of the Day

"*zips up tent* [Wife]: What happened [Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh.. *flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear"

"I realized I needed an altitude adjustment... ...so I booked the next flight out of town."

"Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three if you slice them very thinly."

"We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them James Franco."

"What do you call a race where all the runners have no legs? An arms race."

"My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God."

"if at the end of every year you find yourself posting on social media how ""this year sucked,"" it's time to examine the common denominator"

"My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit."

"Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don't lay eggs"

"The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They're still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground."