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Joke of the Day

"When an elevator stops at your floor, a nice thing to do is to hug the person next to you and say, ""This was fun. Let's keep in touch."""

"How To Impress Your Boss 1. Show up early. 2. Have all the tools you need. 3. Read the strategy guide. 4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes)."

"I have a friend whose fetish is cashews. He's fucking nuts."

"What is Harrison Ford called when he smokes weed? Han So-high."

"Turkey and Russia Turkey is going to be Putin place by Russia."

"So I was thinking while taking the biggest dump of my life... and I just feel so empty inside."

"What is made of wood and sticky? ...a Stick!"

"Sexism Hurts Everyone I mean, I'm a sexist, and I can't get a girlfriend, so who the fuck is going to do my laundry?"

"Hey girl, if I could change up the alphabet, I'd replace U with a more interesting character. Since we're on anti-pickup lines today."

"Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body. Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note."