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Joke of the Day

"Waldo collapses on the beach because it's August & he's fully clothed with a ski cap. You spot him easily"

"How do you disappoint a redditor?"

"Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun"

"How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around you can walk all over them for the rest of your life."

"heres law school: ""sustained"" is basically ""settle down beavis."" ""overruled"" also means ""settle down beavis,"" but to the other guy instead"

"It's really only a matter of time before Lady Gaga gets Justin Beiber pregnant."

"""Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone's names again."" - me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones"

"I just got my roof painted. The painters worked all day long, when I asked them how much I had to pay, they just replied, ""Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house. """

"Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle."

"My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while."