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Joke of the Day

"I bought a universal remote today. I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely."

"Your momma's so fat... she's diabetic."

"Dear son, your art is getting you nowhere. Do something with your life. With love, Alois Hitler."

"imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air."

"""I donno. America's Got Ghosts?"" -- someone in charge of a channel I probably pay $10 a year for and never watch."

"I don't blame Cat Zingano. I'm sure most men don't last 12 seconds with Rhonda Rousey either."

"What is a kinda cool vegetable? Radish"

"[spelling bee] Your word is 'mnemonic' ""Can you use it in a sentence?"" Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity"

"How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron."

"whats the difference between a girl and a bus? ""What's the difference between a girl And a bus"" ""What?"" ""As more people that go in the bus the tighter it gets"""