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Joke of the Day

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - House Wife Barbie ...dressed in ratty old housecoat; comes with dirty laundry and sink full of dishes"

"ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, ""So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."""

"Why is it so wet in Great Britain? Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there."

"[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no"

"Why don't Pentacostals have sex standing up? It might lead to dancing."

"What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me."

"Women... are like hardwood floors. Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life."

"Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note."

"I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in between"

"We can teach kids there's no ""i"" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no ""a"" in definitely."