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Joke of the Day

"ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, ""So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."""

"""Where do babies come from?"" Asked the little boy... Perplexed, his dad answers ""well they come from the store, son."" Kid looks at him with disgust and goes ""eww you had sex with the store?"""

"When the cleaning lady say's ""Have a good night"", I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our ""You too"" response in harmony."

"My girlfriend said she's disgusted that I pick my nose so much. I just blew it, didn't I?"

"[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey! ""What'll it be?"" [out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I'm vegan"

"WHAT IS THE BEST POSITION TO HAVE UGLY BABIES? I DON'T KNOW. ASK YOUR MOM."

"I was making a graph of my past relationships. First I drew the Ex axis then the Why axis. Full disclosure: I saw this in yik yak thought is share it here. :)"

"What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden."

"Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person's picture, whisper ""It has to look like an accident"", walk away."

"Jesus walks into a hotel Lays a handful of nails on the counter and asks the attenant ""Can you put me up for the night?"""