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Joke of the Day

"I broke my can opener.... .... I guess it was a can't opener. Source: happened when I tried to open a can of soup this morning."

"What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian"

"What is Sacha Baron Cohen's favorite ion? Borate."

"For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage ""Wonderwall"" on acoustic guitar and release him back to you"

"It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing."

"My dog keeps trying to get my attention but until he plays that Sarah McLachlan song I'm not gonna take him seriously."

"Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake."

"Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture."

"Did you hear about the sick ghost? He had oooooo-ping cough."

"""We're going to chop off your testicles so we can love you until we decide you need to die."" --pet owners"