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Joke of the Day

"[restaurant] ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or"

"What's similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe They only make noise once they've been blown up."

"We're supposed to lose all the trees by 2020 but if we work hard, we can make it by 2018."

"If you think I'm flirting with you, I'm just being friendly. If you think I'm weird and I make you uncomfortable, I'm flirting with you."

"What hood was the Swedish cholo from? StockHOLMES!"

"Paper Dance Competition Boy : Hey, will you be my partner in a paper dance competition? Girl : Sure! Boy : Great, so we are on the same page."

"I'm Going To Hell For This"

"Bono and the Edge walk into a bar... The bartender looks up at them and says ""Oh, not you two again.""."

"Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there."

"[Chased by cops on foot] *Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor* *Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling's eyes* *Makes clean getaway*"