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Joke of the Day

"Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all."

"If by ticklish, you mean I'll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I'm a little ticklish."

"Why did the baker's hands smell? Because he kneaded a poo."

"My wife walked in on me having sex with our daughter I don't know what shocked her the most; the fact I was having sex with our daughter or the abortion clinic gave me the fetus."

"""Snitches get stitches,"" I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets."

"My German friend brought his newly-bought laptop to me... ...and said ""I shouldn't have bought one with a English keyboard. Can you tell me what this is?"" He then pointed at the space bar."

"Did you hear about that group of midgets suing the local bar? Yeah, they were upset with how short the stools were. The judge threw out the case, though; told them they were grasping at straws."

"All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty."

"5: I want to learn drums. Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop. *confused, 5 walks away I am the master."

"Vampire 1: ""I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died."" Vampire 2: ""How awful!"" Vampire 1: ""Yes. Fortunately I found some in the neck of time."""