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Joke of the Day

"I only have one cardinal rule... Never feed them past 9, because if you do they'll be up and chirping all night"

"Two drunks come out of a bar... One says to the other: ""We gotta go back, I forgot to pee."" The other one replies: ""No problem, dude, I can teach you how to do it!"""

"When you start trying to pick out names for a baby, you realize how many jerks you know with different names."

"Whats so great about banging 26 year olds? There's 20 of em"

"If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible... I'd probably still be in debt right now."

"A bodybuilder gets lost in the woods... And dies of starvation when he can't find his whey."

"my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook..."

"[Date] Her: Any hobbies? Me: Monging mostly. Her: Huh? Me: I'm a monger Her: Huh? Me: Iron, fish, war... You name it -- I'll monger it"

"Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day."

"My wife said to take the dogs for a walk because they looked like they needed to go out. But I think they're full of crap."