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Joke of the Day

"Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now."

"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean"

"Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? ""Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."""

"If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.."

"They say in life expect the unexpected'. So I did, and f*ck all happened. I wasn't expecting that."

"I sneezed and my bra unsnapped. I think this cold is trying to seduce me."

"Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo. Men 1952: I just fixed the roof. Men 2016: I just shaved my legs."

"Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim. Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly! Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement."

"There once was a fellow McSweeny... Who spilled some gin on his weenie. Just to be couth, He added vermouth, Then slipped his girlfriend a martini!"

"What is it called when a woman can't imagine having kids? Inconceivable."