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Joke of the Day

"Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim. Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly! Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement."

"[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-"

"Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers."

"Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?"

"A horse trots into a bar, trips, and falls"

"Ironically, seeing a picture of you flashing a peace sign makes me want to violently end your life."

"Why does a Bicycle have a kickstand? Because it's two tired."

"I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it."

"How does Jaden Smith keep getting roles in big movies? Where there's a Will, there's a way."