125017

Joke of the Day

"""They call me Mr Six Hours,"" I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for"

"Why do aliens always disembark via ramp? Do they have problems with stairs? Or are flying saucers just handicap-accessible?"

"Porn Ears? Q: What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're masturbating? A: Your ears."

"How do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to come."

"""Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!"" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? ""Listen!"" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN"

"When I die I already know my last words will be. ""but I'm still hungry"""

"My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops."

"*pulls away from kissing -What does CVS stand for?"

"They told me to stay positive.. I told them I have HIV."

"[at bank] *slides teller a note* Teller: Me: T: M: [winks] T: Seriously!? M: uh huh T: M: T: *slides me a lollipop*"