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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING"

"I've got a new job crushing fizzy drinks cans... It's soda pressing [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/6lWz2UD.jpg)"

"Two women are sitting in a cafe discussing work.. One says to the other ""How do you like your job testing push-up bras?"" The other woman replies, ""It has its perks."""

"My Altima's name is Liam Nissan"

"A man just got a car for his wife. Now, thats what you call a fair trade."

"I'm a senior in college with 2 semesters left, and I'm considering picking up a minor Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?"

"Two things I will never understand the appeal of: 1) Open relationships 2) Hairless cats"

"Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!"

"What's the difference between Snowmen and Snow women? Snowballs."

"How many Firefly fans does it take to change a light bulb? They wouldn't. They'd rather spend a decade bitching about how it went out."