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Joke of the Day

"I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch."

"I'm in an Uber going 100mph the wrong way on the freeway and the driver's girlfriend keeps calling and screaming at him on speakerphone"

"*stands up and screams* ""PICTURES OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!"" *gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*"

"*covers kids eyes* ""Hey Billy, guess who?"" ""Dad!"" ""Nope"" ""I knw its u dad. I know ur voice"" ""Its not ur dad"" ""Stop jking"" ""Ur adopted"""

"My book on tantric sex finally arrived. Damn thing took ages to come."

"Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery? Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now."

"Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it."

"WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen"

"""Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club."" -Actually this is Oxymoron Club. ""Ok, same difference."" *looks at group* -Oh, this guy is good."

"Why does Tom Hiddleston only invite his closest friends/family to his birthday? He likes to keep things low key."