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Joke of the Day

"I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

"Jared Fogle gets sentenced 15 1/2 years in prison At least he'll still be able to enjoy footlongs"

"The junkie tried but couldn't quit All of his efforts were in vein"

"What happened when the joker dropped an elephant carrying a ten ton weight on Batman and Robin? They became flatman and ribbon. /u/realhermit has left the building."

"Harrison Ford has broken his ankle. There will now be a new Star Wars cast."

"On The Topic Of Relationships Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently ""in HD"" was not the right answer."

"[god designing humans] Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this"

"My sister read '50 Shades of Grey' and relayed some of its explicit content. I pretended to think those things are shocking, too."

"My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky."

"I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the f*cking pub."