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Joke of the Day

"Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn't know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou"

"If you murder a dude and feel guilty just tell his family ""sorry"" and if they can't get over it after that then who are the monsters really"

"Remember they're just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing."

"Currently helping my wife looking for her favourite vase that I threw out six months ago."

"Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door... ...but his girlfriend was against it."

"I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits."

"I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why)"

"What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? A pizza can feed a family"

"08 What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"

"""Oh Shit, Was That Today?"" an autobiography"