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Joke of the Day

"""What's that?"" I call it a 'knife' ""Wow, that's the best thing since bread!"" Gregory, I am about to blow your mind"

"I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing."

"""I'm your biggest fan."" -- That humongous talking fan you bought from that magician"

"Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house."

"What did one duck say to the other? Quack!"

"A highlighter is just a regular lighter that knows how to have a good time."

"My wife told me she thinks men in camouflage look sexy... I just can't see it."

"[During Sex] ""Hurry up, this isn't really my house."""

"If we've learned one thing from this whole Ray Rice ordeal, it's that... ...you should always take the stairs."

"Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease? Because the condition was untweetable."