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Joke of the Day

"What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? We don't know; she hasn't opened her presents yet."

"[at daycare] Me: I'm here to pick up my son Daycare: what's he look like? Me: *points to my face* D: oh. Ok"

"My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow"

"What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea? Getting the news from your dentist"

"What do you call a lesbian octopus? A lickalotopuss."

"I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone He replied, ""Maybe try buying it dinner first, mate. """

"I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green. I thought, 'I've got the fucking plane upside down."""

"Did you hear about the new $5 million dollar Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $5 for a million years."

"If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles."

"You guys ever see a mannequin and think she's completely out of your league?"