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Joke of the Day

"""How do you talk to an angel"" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess? ""How do you hold her close to where you are"" Me: Aren't most angels men?"

"Horrible Crash ""Two pedestrians die in a horrible crash!"" Wow, they must've been walking pretty fucking fast."

"What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags? A Pillow Fight"

"I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, ""I'm peeing in here!"""

"[job interview] ""You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means."" ""Ironic isn't it? Is it? I don't know."""

"What do you call a boyscout in WWII-era Germany? A knotzi."

"I lovingly caress my belly. ""You're expecting?"" a woman asks. I smile serenely. ""Just ate an amazing burrito,"" I tell her."

"They always tell me, ""Measure twice. Cut once""... ...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by."

"We should've known about the failure of communism In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags..."

"I told my cat all about Chairman Mao this morning Now she won't shut up about him!"