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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Have you seen my stilettos? Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No"

"I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can't figure out why she's crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car"

"Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?"

"What's the difference between yogurt and the US? Yogurt's got a culture. (no offence)"

"Silence is golden... But duct tape is silver."

"What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver? Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows Yeah, I know it's old...."

"My face is so oily I'm afraid the U.S. is going to invade it"

"What book does ISIS use to enhance their sex life? Camel Sutra"

"After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me.. As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now."

"What's the hardest part about roller-skating? Telling your parents you're gay."