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Joke of the Day

"If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)"

"What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? NYC subway commuters."

"Billy Mays so good He once sold pain to Chuck Norris."

"Guess who's been sober for 10 months? Robin Williams."

"If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion which one would you shoot first? The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!"

"Why did 7 8 9? ...Fuck"

"Somebody asked me what a spoonerism was.... I haven't got a cooking flue."

"This guy next to me says my cigarette smoke is bothering him. I'm like: Well, it's killing me and I'm not bitching about it."

"I told my parents I wanted a panda for christmas. all I got was a white x6"

"I like my women the way I like my fish. Battered"