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Joke of the Day

"Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now? Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!"

"At the club, a 6'1"" girl was crying in my lap. I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe. Win-win."

"I was on holiday in Belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said ""you lost something "". ""What?"" I asked surprised. ""The war"" he replied."

"How many brits are needed to change a light bulb None they just terminate their apartment contract."

"People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids."

"Which fish is the redneck's favorite? A Bearcooter"

"Hey Dora the Explorer, stop talking to me like I'm a FUCKING RETARD!"

"Why couldn't they execute the railway worker with the electric chair? He was too good a conductor"

"This year's Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it's gonna end, but let's all pretend it's suspenseful."

"The kid who would burn his marshmallow to a blackened crisp and say ""this is how I like it!"" is in prison now"